Worried Since 2019 11 June, 2024

I want escape.

One of my biggest faults is that I worry way too much. I think a lot of that has to do with OCD, but after months and months of fluoxetine treatment, I think there’s something bigger at play. A lot of the time, my worries are realized. I worried in 2019 about the centralised Web and the existence of algorithmic radicalisation. In worried in 2020 about the impact of COVID. I worried in 2021 and 2022 about post-pandemic malaise, and that virulent populism will surge as a result of widespread vaccine controversy. Haven’t many of these worries come true? Doesn’t the materialisation of these fears only fuel even stronger anxieties? It feels like a switch was turned on sometime around early 2019, like I switched it on, and all the suffering of the future could be prevented but I can’t do anything about it. This sense of helplessness makes me feel that my absence from both social media and real-life interactions is a form of cowardice.

I know it’s twisted logic, as long as the world gets worse, I can’t help but feel that way. All these blocklists, all this reclusion, all this intricate burden - it’s just an extension of that. My mind has been self-immolating itself since 2019. I know I wrote about the phantom pain of my dreadful university days not even a week ago, but there’s more to it than that.

It’s all about the future. The future, the future, the future; how bad will my life be two years from now? Five years from now? How could things possibly get better? What if something unexpected happens? I don’t want to get too personal, but last year something really awful suddenly occurred out of nowhere that is still affecting me to this day and looks to continue for years to come. What if that happens again? Will something happen to me and my family? There’s no end to these questions, and no answers to them other than to just live and see what happens. No amount of fluoxetine, self-control or escapism can fix that. I wish they could, but they won’t. I’ve been looking five years for a solution, and nothing seems to help.